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DENIS THOET: A farmer walks into a debate ... and can't find the punchline

Denis Thoet, with his partner Michele Roy, own and

Two takeaways from Tuesday's candidates' forum on ag-issues in Augusta:

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One, it was numbing. And two, on a more positive note, why would anyone want the job as next governor of Maine?

Back to number one: I felt a numbing sensation in my leg as I got ready to get up and ask a question about an hour into the presentation. Halfway through the five hours of sitting through the gubernatorial presentations, the numbing sensation traveled to an area referred to by the late President Reagan as my "keister" (as in "fed up to my keister" with welfare cheats, etc.).

By the end of the day, my brain was fairly well fried -- and I realized then that nobody had told one joke or funny story the whole time. Joe Brennan, when he was governor in the 70s and 80s, always led off a speech with a joke, told another one in the middle -- and you knew the speech was almost over when he told his third and final joke.

Try this one on for size, Messrs and Madam Candidates:

Two cows walk into a bar.

One looks at the other and says, "I didn't know this was a hay bar!" (Apologies to Gary Larson and The Far Side).

Joe Brennan gave the impression that he liked being governor. Jock McKernan, his successor, didn't have much fun, nor did he tell any jokes that I remember. Angus King also seemed to have a good time, mostly because he thought he might be the reincarnation of Joshua Chamberlain. John Baldacci? He has grinned and borne it for eight years.

My favorite story about John Baldacci is one he told himself when he was a freshman Congressman from Maine. He was in the House elevator when senior congressmen got in, and one said: "Fourth floor please." I love self-deprecating humor as long as it's not too self-deprecating.

The prognosis for "job enjoyment" is not good for the five hopefuls.

If Paul LePage wins, he will spend four (or eight) years being skewered by the Democrats in the Legislature. If Libby Mitchell wins, she'll spend an equal amount of time being skewered by the Republicans. And if any of the three independents wins, they will enjoy a joint Republican/Democrat pile-on.

Welcome to hell. We're going to need a few jokes here -- for us, The People -- just to get us through.

However, there was another takeaway that I left out. Each candidate thought that agriculture was the most important issue in Maine. However, I have it on hearsay that when the same candidates gave their presentations to the Maine Ice Cream Association earlier this month (motto: "We Believe in Ice Cream"), they all agreed that ice cream was the most important thing in Maine, especially during a hot, dry summer.

So much for astute political analysis, let's get down to the particulars.

Libby Mitchell:

Good idea: Everyone should have once-a-month pizza parties made with all Maine-grown foods -- wheat flour, tomatoes, cheese, etc. How about once a week? Hold the anchovies!

Fuzzy idea: The cheese industry has a lot of potential for agri-tourism.

Paul LePage:

Good idea: An "angel capital" grant/loan fund for small business in place in Waterville. Businesses have access to up to $50,000 in capital which can become a grant if the business plan is successfully followed, or into a low-interest loan if not.

Bad idea: The Department of Environmental Protection should relinquish water and air regulation to the Department of Agriculture. It would make more sense to put the Ag Department under DEP so farm pollution from herbicides, pesticides, and fertilizers can be more closely scrutinized.

Eliot Cutler:

Good idea: Look at all the tax breaks "on cruise control" in our tax code -- for big and small business -- which amount to $3.5 billion a year.

Fuzzy idea: Dairy farms should be preserved because "they are the principal hub of rural life in Maine." With only 300+ dairy farms left and no end in sight of their decline, new forms of agriculture -- market farms, Community Supported Agriculture, small dairy -- are becoming the new hubs of rural life in Maine.

Shawn Moody:

Good idea: Replace Moxie with milk as the Maine state beverage. Moody says this will cost him 20,000 votes.

Bad idea: Moody wants to follow the New Hampshire model to bring competition into Maine's health insurance industry. How is he going to drag private insurers kicking and screaming into Maine?

Kevin Scott:

Good idea: "It's all about growing year round," Scott said. That's especially to the point if you favor, as he does, supplying our public school cafeterias with Maine grown food. Maine's September-June school year just about misses its current growing year (May-October), but there are ways to grow year round, as Eliot Coleman, of Harborside, has demonstrated.

Bad idea: Reducing the state work week from 40 hours to 32. The paltry savings ($15 million) would not be offset by the loss in services.

So much for pithy analysis. After a solid week in the 90s and the driest summer in a long time, I am also a great believer in ice cream.

And it's good for the dairy industry!

Denis Thoet, with his partner Michele Roy, own and manage Long Meadow Farm in West Gardiner, longmeadowfarm@roadrunner.com