Here we are at the Seth MacFarlane Show, I mean the Oscars. I know a lot of you like Mr. MacFarlane. He’s handsome and witty and looks good in that Armani tux. But he’s not Billy Crystal. But mercifully, he’s not James Franco.

WE OPEN: The gang arrived in full-blasting Hollywood sunshine: the best and most sparkling, the most gorgeous and captivating, making all of us sitting home in our robes and sweaters look like Ukrainian refugees who just lost best foreign film at the Golden Globes.

Robert De Niro is here on the very red carpet, this all-time great actor is all tuxed up with rumpled bed hair. Styling?

Here’s George Clooney, all bearded and shaggy, looking like a handsome unemployed roofer.

Bradley Cooper, Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Chastain. Kristin Chenowith looking like a cute space creature. Kristin, a dynamite Broadway actor, is only 4′ 11″ in heels and makes all the other women look like invading Amazon warriors.

Jennifer Lawrence claimed she was wearing 9-inch all weather shoes and then she fell. Oops!

It’s the 85th annual Oscars, and it’s like the debutante ball. All the very best people are here, except Tim Gunn who is the best “who are you wearing” host ever.

Then we’re inside for the party at the Dolby Theater on Hollywood Boulevard.

OMG, we’ve started. It’s our host Seth MacFarlane, with a teleprompter full of thousands of pre-written jokes. Macfarlane’s opening dragged on for 25 minutes while America waited for just one simple award and the nominees chewed their nails.

FIRST AWARD

BEST

SUPPORTING ACTOR

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Christoph Waltz? Are you kidding me? Christoph Waltz? Didn’t he win one for doing the same character only in a different costume?

Who should have won? Tommy Lee Jones. He was my pick and really got shafted.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

CLAUDIO MIRANDA FOR “LIFE OF PI”

I said “Lincoln” will win. Anna Karenina should win. But I can live with “Life of Pi,” even though it was all CGI. A movie about a boy and a tiger? Didn’t Roddy McDowell do that same picture with a collie?

COSTUME DESIGN

JACQUELINE DURRAN

FOR “ANNA KARENINA”

Just as I said SHOULD WIN. Finally I won one. Durran’s were far more imaginative and courageous than Delgado’s history book costumes for Les Miz.

BEST FOREIGN FILM

“AMOUR”

I said about this dark horse that “it is threatening to rise up and take the prize for Best Film. Best Foreign, was a given.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

ANNE

HATHAWAY

Anne Hathaway? Anne Hathaway? Sally Fields got decked, so did the amazing Jacki Weaver. The real winner was Sally. We all know that. Well, it’s best Hathaway wins and sits down instead of singing again. Anne Hathaway? Really?

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

“ARGO”

I picked “Lincoln.” but I can live with this … good for them. Ben’s a nice boy with the future that Spielberg already owns. Time marches on.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

“DJANGO UNCHAINED”

I knew I should have called Nate Silver back. “Zero Dark Thirty” should have won. I avoided seeing Tarantino’s movie.

Guess I have to see it now. The world is changing faster than I can see all the movies in it.

BEST DIRECTOR

ANG LEE?

For a CGI movie with a boy and his tiger? Fugidaboudit. David O’Russell and Spielberg were hosed big time.

BEST ACTRESS

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Thank you dear Lord … I said “In her close ups she blows out all the lights” I said, SHOULD and WILL win. So she tripped on too long a gown like a Miss America winner. She muttered the F-word, and got up like the pro she is.

BEST PICTURE

“ARGO?”

OMG “Silver Lining Playbook” was so much better and was shafted. “Lincoln” was better, but the votes went to “Argo,” which actually was a very good movie, despite the tricked-up ending.

OMG it’s the First Lady, do you believe it?

Best parts of the evening: The celebration of musicals of the last decade. A spectacular recreation, especially “All That Jazz.” and Barbra singing “The Way We Were.” But the closer and the show stopper: Our First Lady, Michelle Obama introducing Best Picture.

And so the 85th Academy Awards comes to an end. Please, Nate Silver … I’m sorry I didn’t return your call.

J.P. Devine is a former stage and screen actor.